How To Be Alone

Desert Dreams

Desert Dreams

I was riding home from class, on my bike, one night with the high from my nightly joint still thick on my breath and my eyes. It was such a pleasant ride. Cool, breezy, dry, and oh-so-beautifully cloudless. Nights like that are special in the valley. To me, at least. It’s a respite.

I take a long drag off my cigarette, pressing my lips together hard against the filter. I blow it out quickly and downward, toward my boots. I shift legs and look up at you, blowing your smoke out sideways, looking at me with your brows raised. You shift too, your shoulders high and look at me without blinking for what seems like days.

“From what?” You ask.

I respond, impatiently, after a quick sigh, “The inane daily bullshit that can build up and wreak havoc on a day just like every other day. Hot, sunny, dry, dusty, itchy, sweaty, moving from air-conditioned room to air-conditioned room to air-conditioned car.” It’s not really each of these extremes, of course. But one or two every day, and it gets tiresome, and I get tired easily. You looked at me for ten seconds more, then you flicked your cigarette, shoved your hands in your pockets and went inside.

This wasn’t how our nightly smokes used to go. We used to climb up to the roof and you’d light a cigarette and tell me a funny story while I took a few hits from an old pipe. Tonight I’m already stoned and I’m smoking from your pack.

It’s hot. Sure, it’s really hot. But, we managed. We managed because we had to. I know that’s what you’re thinking. The same way we managed with no money for almost a year without going hungry. I close my eyes and drink the city in through my pores.

“Mientras que una vive, lucha.” I say it under my breath. I’m high and you’re pissed. It makes me so impatient. Even now, when the desert is just a memory and I can feel the city in my sleep, I still get irritated. The heat rises in me; I never realized I had so much heat when we lived in Phoenix. It was just dwarfed in comparison. Here in San Francisco, it’s more apparent. It slowly dissipates and when I see you back in the house, I can tell you’ve forgiven me and given me the chance to forgive you. It’s no biggie, we know. None of it was important, and now we just don’t want to be mad at one another.

You’re going wild on your guitar, with that quiet wildness you have. I just give you a sweet smile and you nod between notes, in time to the tune you’re rattling off. When you’ve had enough, you put the guitar down and smile at me sweetly. You pat the bed next to you and I sit. We just lean against each other, like that, side by side.

It’s my battle, and for me, it will never be finished. I thought it would be finished as soon as I left Arizona, and on to another battle. I know now that some battles just don’t end.

Anyway, I rode on home. I was light and thinking about writing this all down, creating some magic fitting to my mood. That didn’t go as planned, but I’ll write the story I was thinking of anyway.

Josh and I had just shared this joint. It was the same shit I had at home, but it always tastes better when you’re not alone. Josh was good people. He is, that is. He is good people. He is a good person, that is. We were talking about his kid and about class and weed. We had a nice exchange and I rode home, thinking we should definitely go to the Science Center.

That was when “the beauty” happened. Nights alone, riding my bike through downtown, feeling full of life and positive light. Actually enjoying the craziness that is the Valley of the Sun. It’s full of light that just never escapes, like it’s trapped here, drawn to the magnetism of campus and all those bodies moving around. Buildings reincarnated yearly, but always occupying the same air. Heavy, heavy, heavy. But, when you’re fresh from a 3 hour lecture and you get your bike legs, it’s just light.

I thought about our teacher and how she made me feel like I was in the company of someone who was slightly drunker than I was (which happened to be stone-cold sober). She laughed more than I did and got more excited than I got. It was sometimes awkward and wholly enjoyable. Informative, too. People who enjoy their jobs that much know their shit. I want to be one of those people, and when I’ve got the desert at night to myself, I totally am.

Adam's Dream (lyrics)

I fell asleep out in my Father's garden

low I dreamed I roamed

I dreamed I was alone

I fell straight through the garden floor

and hit the grounds of war

My Father standing over said

"I don't know what you see, My Dear

but I will keep you safe while you are sleeping."

Knelt and whispered in my ear

as I lay sweating fevered

He said "Babe, I want you to know

wherever you may think you roam

you're always but right here with me.

Never alone.

You're right here at home."

And in my dream my head I turned

but saw nothing so I returned

to spinning on my spinning-wheel my sin

a cloak so heavy might conceal

from everything and everything within... me

And I rode ten-billion horses 'round the world

as it collapsed beneath my feet

and I was sure that I was dead

He said "STOP and listen, my Son!

Whatever you may think you've done

you've always been right here with me.

Never alone. Never alone.

Now in my dream I dropped down to my knees

and I began to weep

I knew I was asleep

and that the world I would unmake

was mine to shake and wake.

Just like that my fever passed

the path that I was steered was clear

and I knew nothing in my dream

could harm me

A tear fell from my Fathers grin

a stream of love flowed out of Him

onto me now I offer it to you

Because He said,

"Babe, I want you to know

whatever you may think you owe-

you owe only this to the others

now follow your Brother.

GO walk with them

laugh with them

talk with them

run with them

comfort them

forgive them

each one

Go wake up my Son!

The Astonishing Hypothesis

A few months ago I picked up an issue of Time Magazine titled ‘Your Brain: A User’s Guide’. One of the articles was called ‘The Riddle of Knowing You’re Here’, by Steven Pinker. It was really interesting but I couldn’t find it online, so I’ll cite the relevant portions of it here as well as talk about possible implications. As the author points out, “The major religions locate [consciousness] in a soul that survives the body’s death to receive its just reward or punishment or to meld into a global mind. For each of us, consciousness is life itself”. The article goes on to explain the two problems that scientists encounter about consciousness. These problems were dubbed by the philosopher David Chalmers as the Easy Problem and the Hard Problem.

“What exactly is the Easy Problem? It’s the one that Freud made famous, the difference between conscious and unconscious thoughts. Some kinds of information in the brain-such as the surfaces in front of you, your plans for the day, your pleasures and peeves-are conscious. You can ponder them, discuss them and let them guide your behavior. Other kinds-like the control of your heart rate, the rules that order the words as you speak and the sequence of muscle contractions that allows you to hold a pencil are unconscious. They must be in the brain somewhere because you couldn’t walk and talk and see without them, but they are sealed off from your planning and reasoning circuits. The Easy Problem, then, is to distinguish conscious from unconscious mental computation, identify the proper correlates in the brain and explain why they evolved.

The Hard Problem, on the other hand, is why it feels like something to have a conscious process going on in one’s head - why there is first-person, subjective experience. Not only does a green thing appear different from a red thing, remind us of other green things and inspire us to say, ‘That’s green’ (the Easy Problem), but it also actually looks green, it produces an experience of sheer greenness that isn’t reducible to anything else. As Louis Armstrong said in response to a request to define jazz, ‘When you got to ask what it is, you never get to know.’ The hard problem is explaining how subjective experience arises from neural computation. The problem is hard because no one knows what a solution might look like or even whether it is a genuine scientific problem in the first place. And not surprisingly, everyone agrees that the Hard Problem (if it is a problem) remains largely a mystery.

Although neither the Hard nor the Easy Problem has been solved, neuroscientists agree on many features of both of them, and the feature they find least controversial is the one that many people outside the field find the most shocking. Francis Crick called it ‘the astonishing hypotheseis’ - the idea that our thoughts, sensations, joys and aches consist entirely of physiological activity in the tissues of the brain. Consciousness does not reside in an ethereal soul that uses the brain like a PDA; consciousness is the activity of the brain. ...And when the physiological activity of the brain ceases, as far as anyone can tell, the person’s consciousness goes out of existence. ...Another startling conclusion from the science of consciousness is that the intuitive feeling we have that there’s an executive ‘I‘ that sits in a control room of our brain, scanning the screens of the senses and pushing the buttons of the muscles, is an illusion. Consciousness turns out to consist of a maelstrom of events distributed across the brain. These events compete for attention, and as one process outshouts the others, the brain rationalizes the outcome after the fact and concocts the impression that a single self was in charge all along. The illusion of voluntary actions is in part a result of noticing a correlation between what we decide and how our bodies move.”

So, if we’re not the decision-maker, then who are we? If nobody has a say in their own thoughts or actions, then how should that affect the way that we treat other people? How should it affect the way that we treat ourselves? This doesn’t seem to leave any room for pride or condemnation. Obviously we need to keep dangerous people away from the populace, but we don’t need to kill them, or spend our time hating them. Like the Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

AZ, it's a dry hate

Just a little snippet of life here in AZ:

Feministing: "Arizona school tells mural artist to "lighten" Black and Latino students' faces"

Original article cited:

AZ Central: "Altered mural fuels race debate in Prescott"

So, Femisting is obviously biased, which is why included the original article. However, I don't think the AZ Republic is making a much better impression. Here's to hoping that this is all being blown out of proportion. But, Blair. Not him. That guy needs out.

As a side note:

As an Arizonan, (a first generation U.S. citizen, a young person, a female, a consistent law-breaker, and as a lifelong native) the last couple of years in the Valley of the Sun have been pretty disheartening. Instead of feeling more compelled to run away to happier coasts, however, I have often let my imagination run away instead to thoughts of public service for my lovely home, which I really think is in dire need of some feminist-progressive slapping around.

I should note, also:

I borrowed that clever title from someone else.

Tolerance

Tolerance is a virtue that has long been touted by our society and other democracies like it. It is intertwined with our notion of a just society. Religious and political tolerance are thought to be ideals upon which this very nation was founded. I'd venture that there are few people who are willing to admit that they are intolerant, even while they may hold intolerant beliefs.

We know, however, that not everyone--nor every society--lives up to the ideal of tolerance. Segregation, discrimination, elitism, populism, class wars, religious fervor--these are all examples of intolerance which have taken place in this country and others; and many are still taking place today. Not only do we see a lack of tolerance within our borders, but between our nation and its neighbors as well. We intervene in foreign nations when we see what we perceive as violations of human rights, injustice, or actions that threaten the free market. These actions are all contrary to our core values as a liberal-democratic nation--human equality, due process, and open markets. These actions are usually framed as just 'Wrong.' Period. I think that if we look closely, though, we'll see that these actions are only wrong from our particular viewpoint--from our particular culture.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think that human rights violations are okay. I also think democracy is good, and that the world would be much better if democracy were more common. But at the same time, I recognize that my holding these views means that I'm not that tolerant, and that liberal-democracy isn't a particularly tolerant form of government. We respect alternate views to a point, but when was the last time we had a socialist or atheist leader? When was the last time we allowed a socialist coup in another country? Don't forget Guatemala.

Of course, there are some issues in which tolerance would seem wrong. I don't think that we should be tolerant of countries who violate humans rights, or individuals who hold racist views, or people/countries who use/condone violence against women. I think most of you would agree. But that has me thinking: Since total tolerance is probably not possible and definitely not desirable, where do we draw the line? When is the ideal of tolerance overridden by my other beliefs?

For example, I'm a vegetarian. I told myself before I decided to stop eating meat that no matter what, I would never pass judgement on those who chose differently. But, after learning of all the detrimental effects meat has on the environment, I often wonder, how tolerant is too tolerant? When should I put my foot down and say, "Stop. What you're doing is bad for the planet and is endangering all of us"? The same question could be asked in regards to environmentalism, feminism, liberalism--any belief that we may hold dear.

I believe in tolerance to a point, but I think at some point we should be honest and admit that we take certain values for granted. We just have to make sure we take the best ones.

See also:
1. "Autonomy, Gender, Politics" (Amazon.com)
2. Paradox of Tolerance
3. "Political Tolerance and American Democracy"

Virtual Communities, Emphasis on Virtual

Last week I received an email from Maya's Farm.

It was forwarded from a third party and contained directions on how to navigate the craziness of downtown Phoenix due to the Anti-SB1070 Protest that was happening on Saturday morning. It also contained directions on how to join in the protest if so inclined!

I have to include Maya's only addition to this forward:

"FYI! Let's give Washington a big message!"

So, it was obvious that Maya supported the march and was recruiting a wee bit. I didn't mind this. I'm not saying I wouldn't have minded if we didn't happen to share the same sentiment about the issue either...

Anyway, it was also obvious that she sent the email to inform the marketgoers that there would be some traffic at the pickup for the CSA that weekend.

What Maya (and all who were CC'd) received for this tidbit of info was an immediate "reply all" email from one woman who was so bothered by the "mixing of politics and business" that she asked to be unsubscribed from the newsletter.

Ten emails later (many in the same spirit of condemnation and disapproval), I sent Maya alone the following letter.

Maya,

I want to voice my support for your decision to share information on the march downtown. I was happy to receive the info. I was equally happy to see that the info came from a reliable source. I think Maya's farm represents a certain voice in the Valley- a voice that to me is a link to the food revolution movement. I think you would agree with me that Maya's Farm is a shining light for the small organic farm community here in the Metro area.

I think that it's important for this movement to align itself with movements like the support of immigrants in farming states like AZ. After all, a large majority of farm workers come to AZ to work at all levels of farming and this includes the small organic farm. It is important for the customers and supporters of Maya's Farm to be aware of the issues in AZ and share empathy with those people who are linked so intimately to us- through the growing, picking, shipping of our food!

I understand that complicated issues like these are often not well understood, yet still manage to cause such knee jerk reactions. But, I want to applaud you for reaching out to your virtual community. Some of us can only connect via the internet, but I'd like to think our loyalties lie deeper than that.

Marta Orozco

Student, Educator, food lover

The reply was a simple thank you.

What I wanted to use this incident to illustrate is, first, how virtual communities are not always what they seem. The emails saddened me and angered me and almost embittered me. But, after writing to Maya, I have just come away with some understanding.

I think that sharing views and ideas and passions over the internet is kinda dangerous. Especially when they are usually so brief. Yet, everyday I climb into Facebook Land and semi-share things about my life. They're vague, but I'm a private person (for further reading on privacy...). I resist sharing those views that I know are controversial. I don't share much about my political, ethical, spiritual views for a reason! Because there are those who I would ostracize from me. I don't want that. I think communities are for sharing and inclusion.

This is why filtering our communities is important! On Facebook, the only way we express kinship of ideas is when we "like" the same existentially meaningless tag: A Million Doing What, Exactly?

To tie this together: I was unhappy to see people removing themselves from our virtual community of food enthusiast/small farm supporters. This is a struggling movement. Maya's Farm is one of the best resources for people actually DOING things to revolutionize the food industry. I hate to see people boycott her food, her ideas, her emails because they couldn't forgive her email etiquette snafu (people were also upset that their email addresses hadn't been blind-copied).

When it comes to making public my views about any given subject, I abide by the following lyrical guideline: "Don't ever renounce or ever claim to be." A little Devendra Banhart, anyone?

You'd think bearing witness to the polarizing effect that this can have on people would only reinforce this notion of mine. It hasn't. I think people should begin to wonder why we don't share our potentially schismatic views about the world. Instead of keeping them to ourselves and wondering why the "other side" is so ignorant about it, we should just share! I am a big believer in being informed. How can we expect people to be informed when we're all tiptoeing around our beliefs instead of discussing them?

Virtual communities like blogger, or Facebook, or any other conduit of information-sharing should all serve as better grounds for debate and discussion instead of side-taking and narcissism.

So I'll conclude with a pat on our backs, because that's exactly what we're doing here.

"Miss" Manners?

I was signing Thank You cards over the weekend and asked my husband if he had any message to share with our friends and family. “No, I’m sure you’ve got it covered.” Being a smart ass, he then smirked and made a comment about how thank you cards fall under the woman’s domain, anyway. “Oh, a thank you is too girly for a manly-man?” No, he replied, but if he wants to express appreciation, he will simply tell the person directly.

It got me thinking about the expectations of proper etiquette that women are subjected to, which men escape. Tradition placed the job of completing the thank you cards in the woman’s to-do list. My Oma would tut-tut and bemoan the changing times and the state of the younger generation if she didn’t receive a thank you from someone she gifted. Personally, I don’t expect thank you cards, and always feel slight surprise when I've received one in the mail. I’m not trying to debate the value of thank you cards. I do think that it is a nice gesture -- A way to recognize the time, effort, and money people spent in order to help my husband and I prepare for our baby. It just seems to be a remnant from the past that I wouldn’t miss if gone.

What are your thoughts? Are thank you cards solely a woman’s chore in your family? Is it a responsibility passed along to you? Are snail-mail thank you’s necessary in today’s world, when an email can express the same sentiment?

Digital Photography for Beginners

These are a few photos I took for my digital photography class... I had a good time messing with the settings on manual mode as you can do alot more with a camera than most people think ;)

Draw Muhammad Day: A justified reaction to an overreaction, or a direct provocation of and disrespect toward Islam worldwide?

Is Thunderf00t justified or over the line? It will be interesting to hear everyone's opinion on the matter.

For those that are too lazy or technologically challenged to watched the video, I will give you a quick rundown. Back in 2005 a dozen or so cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed sent the Muslim world into a frenzy of pissed-offedness (yes that is a word, I know this because I just made it up). There was angry-mob fueled violence in the streets throughout the world. As a result over the next 5 years, media organizations all over the world shied away from (more like, downright terrified of) displaying images of Mohammad. In 2010 similar "warnings" were issued. In response this guy who is only so far, known as his internet persona Thunderf00t has made it his personal mission to not only draw the prophet Mohammed, but to do so in as many demeaning and disrespectful ways as possible. After well over a million combined hits on his videos on YouTube, he decided to create "Draw Mohammed Day" so the whole world could join in on what he calls an exercise in the defense of freespeech. But how far is too far?

I believe that the main issue boils down to how you answer the following questions: Does/Should every human being have the unalienable right to live their lives as they see fit; so long as their actions don't prevent another from doing the same? (From now on I will refer to this as "The Supreme Universal Right" or SUR)

If your answer to this question was yes (mine was), then threatening death to those that show irreverence toward your religion or belief system probably seems irrational to you. Then again, you likely aren't a religious person. Which brings me to the next question: Does ones religious/personal belief trump the USR? This is a sticky issue. If we concede that the only authority needed to override the USR is a belief or interpretation of scripture, then we must also concede that that religious belief is all the justification needed to trump any right. For example this would make killing abortion clinic doctors OK; and justify anti-gay rights legislation; also this would give the thumbs up to the 9/11 attacks and so on...